What Teachers Would Say To Parents, If They Could...

When I was in university, I worked as a server at East Side Mario's.  I'd walk over to a table, introduce myself, and then my eyes would glaze over and my fake smile would appear as the diners would start in with their laundry list of, "I'm allergic to garlic; little Johnny is starving so I need you to bring some bread right away; I want the chicken pasta but substitute the chicken with steak and the pasta for potatoes".  I'd smile and nod, biting my tongue, but once in the kitchen, the other servers and I would complain to each other about the awful table that just sat in our section.  If you are, or have ever been a server, then you know what I mean. 

Little Bear is in senior kindergarten and Crazy Plates is in junior kindergarten.  Over the past few weeks, at drop off, I see the other parents cornering the teachers at the kindergarten gate to talk to them.  And as I watch the teachers, I see that familiar look.  Glazed over eyes, fake smile, reassuring head nod.  It's the look I remember from my days as a server.  So I got to thinking...what would these teachers say to these parents if they could?  No holds barred, they could speak their minds.  What would they say?  I know to me, they'd say nothing, because my kids are perfect and it is completely reasonable for me to request that Crazy Plate's teacher sit beside her at lunch time to make sure she eats all her lunch, but to the other parents...what would they say?

So I consulted the experts.  For their protection, they shall remain anonymous.  Here's what they said.

Expert A: A Kindergarten Teacher 

"I have had so many parents tell me that their child can count to 100.  That's wonderful, but why the heck did they teach them that?  It's not in the curriculum, and I'm not changing my lesson plan to include numbers 101 - 200."  Thankfully, this one doesn't apply to me.  For longer than she should have, Little Bear thought eleventeen was a number.

"I have had one too many requests to wipe bums....umm, no."  I have to agree with this one.  I'm sort of at my limit with poopy bums myself.

Expert B: A Kindergarten Teacher

"No, we can't sit beside your child to make sure she eats all her lunch.  We can't possibly sit beside 24 kids at the same time."  Oh, oops. 

"No, we can't keep your child inside at recess because he has a runny nose.  If he is sick, then keep him at home."  Yup...guilty of this one too.

"Return the mail / communication folder everyday.  It is there for a reason.  To communicate.  We can't communicate if you don't return it."  I always return the girls' communication folder.  Except when I forget.  Then I make sure to return it the next day.  Usually.

"Don't write me a note about Billy losing his hat, a mitten, or a scarf.  If you don't label your kid's clothing, you're likely not going to get it back."  This is true.  Crazy Plates is always bringing home other kids' Tupperware containers.  And, well, that's why our Tupperware container collection is so big.

Expert C: Elementary Teacher

"Don't send school supplies unless they have been asked for.  Grade two students don't need binders!  It actually makes things a lot more difficult if there are 24 sets of markers."  Can we talk about markers for a second?  I hate markers.  They're messy and they dry out.  Someone really needs to create mitten clips for marker lids.  Anyway.  Back to the teachers...

"Watch what you say in front of your kids.  I had a student tell me that his Dad thinks I'm pretty, but I wear my socks too high."  This one is so funny, but also a very good lesson.  Good thing my girls don't listen to me.  Who knows which of my rants they would chose to repeat on the playground.

Expert D: Elementary Teacher

"Students earn their own marks.  Teachers do not give marks pulled out of you-know-where!"  I don't know about this one.  I was definitely given bad grades on essays when I clearly should have been given a Pulitzer prize.  Or at least a gold star.  Ok, the morning it's due isn't the best time to start writing an essay, but at least an A for effort, no?

"Believe it or not, we love what we do, and we really do want the very best for your child.  We want to be their champion and second biggest supporter, next to their support system at home.  So please, cut us some slack."

The parent / teacher relationship is a complicated one.  But, I think what we learned here today is, if we all have a little patience, understanding, and perspective, we can work together to get our crazy kids to finally stop picking their noses, put their shoes on the right feet, and be productive members of society.  Or at least pick up their toys.  Can somebody please teach my kids to pick up their toys?


On a side note, if you're guilty of any of the above, you may want to check out my post about teacher gifts.  It may help to smooth things over.

      

Teacher Gifts...

I was at Chapter's last week, buying teacher's gifts for the girls' teachers, and I came across this.  Peanut Butter Cup Gourmet Popcorn.  Now this is the type of gift I would love to receive if I were a teacher.  The girls have 4 teachers between the 2 of them, and there were 4 flavours of gourmet popcorn, so it seemed like a perfect fit!  I picked up a container of Peanut Butter Cup, Bacon and Cheddar, Cookies and Cream, and Twix Gourmet Popcorn and skipped along to the cash, more than pleased with myself for finding what was sure to be the talk of the staff room.  I had found the perfect teacher's gift.  But, while at the cash, I wondered if the girls' teacher's shared my love of popcorn.  Would they drool over caramel popcorn drizzled with peanut butter and chocolate, or are they more traditional, liking just butter and salt?  Is it possible that they don't even like popcorn?  This got me thinking, what is the perfect teacher gift?  I decided to consult the experts, and have created for you a list of the best and worst teacher gifts.  You're welcome.

First, the Best list...

1) Gift Cards.  This was one gift that all my teacher friends picked for the best list.  They suggest Tim Horton's, Starbucks, and the LCBO.  One of my teacher friends received quite a few Cineplex gift cards at the end of last year, and, lucky for me, I've benefited from these gift cards on quite a few occasions.  We actually just saw Chef, have you seen it?  It's a great movie.  But...back to the list...

2) Alcohol.  This one surprised me, but, then when I gave it some more thought, it doesn't.  I actually think this would be a good gift to give in September, you know, like carb loading before a big race.  Not that I have ever run a big race, but I have carb loaded.  Anyway...the tip with this gift is that while alcohol is good, homemade wine is bad.

3) Flowers or Potted Plants.  Seems simple enough.  I like this one.

5) School Supplies.  Items like note pads, pens, markers.  This one is good if you're short on time and don't have a chance to go shopping.  If you work in an office, you'll find most of these items in the supply room. Another suggestion was a book for the classroom, with an inscription, "To Miss V's class.  From Little Bear".

5) Home baking, Chocolate, Candy.  This, like the gourmet popcorn, would be my choice if I were a teacher.

And now, for the worst list...

1) Cheesy Teacher Crap.  I've never given any cheesy teacher crap to the girls' teachers, but I know I gave a whole lot of cheesy teacher crap when I was in school.  You know, big red apple magnets that say "World's Best Teacher", things like that.

2) Soap and Hand Cream.  My teacher friends said that while the idea might be nice, it's way too over done.  I can appreciate that.  I have a cupboard full of hand creams I received as Christmas gifts when I used to work in an office.  A cupboard full of Christmas bonuses I do not have, but I do have enough hand cream to last me the rest of my life.

3) Candles.  Crap.  I gave candles to the girls' teachers at Christmas.

4) Mugs.  Crap.  I gave mugs last year.  But, they were full of amazing chocolate, which was on the best list, so that sort of cancels out the mugs, right?

5) Clothes.  Wait, what?  Clothes?  I would never think to give clothes, but my experts say they have received them, and they don't like it.  And you can't argue with that.

I hope this list finds you before you hit the stores, and makes teacher gift shopping a little easier for you.  Incidentally, I went with Chapter's gift cards for this year's end-of-school gifts.  Oh, and I did buy the Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup Gourmet Popcorn.  For myself.  And I started eating it in the car on the way home.  And it was amazing...