Toddler Weight: The Dangers Of Being Alone In A Car

The other day, I had the opportunity to get out of the house.  Without the kids.  Where I was going was a 3-hour car ride away, in the middle of winter, but I didn't mind.  I was actually looking forward to it.  3 hours in a car on an icy highway?  No thanks.  3 hours alone in a car on an icy highway?  Sign me up! 

As we discussed already, toddlers make you gain weight.  But did you know that they also make you gain weight, even if they're not there?  Let me explain.

I love chips.  More specifically, I love Doritos.  I believe the large bag of Doritos is a single serving.  The smaller bags are there if you want to have a few different flavours of Doritos, or if you like to have your Doritos with a chocolate bar.  I don't eat Doritos that often because if I do, then the girls will ask for some.  I don't like to share my Doritos.  If I'm going to have a treat, I don't want to share.  If I have to share, it is no longer a treat.

I also love donuts.  I rarely get donuts however because, currently, the girls think Tim Bits are donuts, and therefore are satisfied with just one Tim Bit because even they know it is socially unacceptable to eat more that one donut at a time.  If I introduce them to real donuts there is no chance I'll ever get them to eat anything else.

When I found out that I was going to be in a car, alone, for 3 hours, I decided to take full advantage.  I stopped at the gas station before I left town to fill up the tank, and pick up a bag of Doritos.  Then I went to Tim Horton's and got a chocolate glazed donut.  Then I went to Starbucks and got a venti soy dirty chai latte.  Why venti?  Because I knew I'd be able to drink the whole thing while it was still hot.  A luxury you lose when you have kids.  Then I put in my new Lady Gaga CD and turned the volume up way too loud, drove and ate and drank, had a little dance party in my car, drove and drank and ate some more.  It was magical.  I felt like a kid on spring break. 

When I got to where I was going, I was covered in Doritos crumbs, I had a bit of donut glaze on my cheek, and I had to go to the bathroom so badly I really didn't think I was going to make it.  I almost didn't.  I felt fat and gross and I slipped into one heck of  food coma that rendered me more than useless for the rest of the day.  My teeth hurt, my mouth was full of cankers, and my belly was so bloated that for a brief moment I actually thought it might rip open. 

I felt awful and was now even farther away from getting rid of this darn toddler weight.  But, it's not my fault.  The kids made me do it. 

Toddler Weight: The Untold Truth About Having Kids

Weight gain.  That's a fun topic.  There are many reasons people gain weight over the course of a lifetime, but there are also some universal weight-gaining events that happen to all of us.  Well, most of us.  There are some people who never struggle with their weight, but I'm not entirely sure they're human.  So yes, it is safe to say that the following are universal weight-gaining events.  For all of us humans, that is. 

1. The Freshman 15.  This is like the perfect storm of weight gaining.  I drank more in my first year of university than I did the other 3 years combined.  Add to that the requisite post-bar pizza or gyros, and a fully loaded meal card with unlimited apple crisp at Creelman Hall (go Gryphons!) and you have, the freshman 15.  Or 20.  Depends on how dedicated you are.

2. The First Year of Marriage.  I didn't live with my husband before we got married, so for me, the next major weight-gaining event was our first year of marriage.  If you lived with your husband before you got married, then that year is the year I'm referring to.  When you first move in together every night is a special occasion.  You bring a cake home from the grocery store to celebrate your fist week of living together.  Cupcakes to celebrate putting together your new IKEA furniture.  Sunday night becomes pizza night.  And so does Tuesday night.  You discover a great Thai restaurant around the corner from your new place, and order in every Thursday.  You see where this is going.

3. Pregnancy or Baby Weight.  Obviously.  This one needs little explanation.  I gained 50 pounds when I was pregnant with Little Bear, and 54 pounds when pregnant with Crazy Plates.  Being pregnant is really a license to indulge all your crazy food fantasies, because, who is going to stop you?  Want cake for breakfast?  Sure!  A milkshake with every meal?  Why not.  A sleeve of cookies before bed?  If that's what baby wants, that's what baby gets.  Then you give birth to a 7 pound baby and are left with 43 pounds of chocolate ice cream and French fries.   

4. Toddler weight.  This is the weight-gaining event that no one talks about.  No one warns you about.  No one wants to blame the children, but it's their fault.  You've lost the baby weight, but then those babies turn into toddlers, and with the toddlers comes the toddler weight.  They want the crust cut off of their grilled cheese, so you cut it off, and then eat it.  They can't finish the ice cream that comes with their kid's meal, so you finish it.  They require a snack cupboard filled with Goldfish and Bear Claws and Rice Crispy squares.  How are you to control yourself around such temptation?  You're not.  That's how.  When you have toddlers or other small children, there is a birthday party every other weekend.  Birthday parties mean cake and pizza.  You can't not eat the cake and pizza, that would be rude.  Toddlers and small children create stress for parents.  Stress that can only be relieved with large amounts of chocolate or entire bags of ketchup chips.  Not wanting to have hot dogs for dinner yet again, you make hot dogs for the kids, eat one yourself, put them to bed, then have dinner with your husband at 9pm while watching Blacklist.  Toddler weight is the deadliest of all weight-gaining events, primarily because it is completely out of our control, and because, as I see it, there is no end in sight.  As kids get older they just eat more, snack more, drink more juice, cause more stress, which leads to more chocolate and more chips and more 9pm dinners in front of the TV.  I'm in the thick toddler weight right now, but, as the internet community as my witness, I will beat it!  I don't know how, but I will.  Right after I finish this bag of ketchup chips.