Toddler Weight: The Untold Truth About Having Kids

Weight gain.  That's a fun topic.  There are many reasons people gain weight over the course of a lifetime, but there are also some universal weight-gaining events that happen to all of us.  Well, most of us.  There are some people who never struggle with their weight, but I'm not entirely sure they're human.  So yes, it is safe to say that the following are universal weight-gaining events.  For all of us humans, that is. 

1. The Freshman 15.  This is like the perfect storm of weight gaining.  I drank more in my first year of university than I did the other 3 years combined.  Add to that the requisite post-bar pizza or gyros, and a fully loaded meal card with unlimited apple crisp at Creelman Hall (go Gryphons!) and you have, the freshman 15.  Or 20.  Depends on how dedicated you are.

2. The First Year of Marriage.  I didn't live with my husband before we got married, so for me, the next major weight-gaining event was our first year of marriage.  If you lived with your husband before you got married, then that year is the year I'm referring to.  When you first move in together every night is a special occasion.  You bring a cake home from the grocery store to celebrate your fist week of living together.  Cupcakes to celebrate putting together your new IKEA furniture.  Sunday night becomes pizza night.  And so does Tuesday night.  You discover a great Thai restaurant around the corner from your new place, and order in every Thursday.  You see where this is going.

3. Pregnancy or Baby Weight.  Obviously.  This one needs little explanation.  I gained 50 pounds when I was pregnant with Little Bear, and 54 pounds when pregnant with Crazy Plates.  Being pregnant is really a license to indulge all your crazy food fantasies, because, who is going to stop you?  Want cake for breakfast?  Sure!  A milkshake with every meal?  Why not.  A sleeve of cookies before bed?  If that's what baby wants, that's what baby gets.  Then you give birth to a 7 pound baby and are left with 43 pounds of chocolate ice cream and French fries.   

4. Toddler weight.  This is the weight-gaining event that no one talks about.  No one warns you about.  No one wants to blame the children, but it's their fault.  You've lost the baby weight, but then those babies turn into toddlers, and with the toddlers comes the toddler weight.  They want the crust cut off of their grilled cheese, so you cut it off, and then eat it.  They can't finish the ice cream that comes with their kid's meal, so you finish it.  They require a snack cupboard filled with Goldfish and Bear Claws and Rice Crispy squares.  How are you to control yourself around such temptation?  You're not.  That's how.  When you have toddlers or other small children, there is a birthday party every other weekend.  Birthday parties mean cake and pizza.  You can't not eat the cake and pizza, that would be rude.  Toddlers and small children create stress for parents.  Stress that can only be relieved with large amounts of chocolate or entire bags of ketchup chips.  Not wanting to have hot dogs for dinner yet again, you make hot dogs for the kids, eat one yourself, put them to bed, then have dinner with your husband at 9pm while watching Blacklist.  Toddler weight is the deadliest of all weight-gaining events, primarily because it is completely out of our control, and because, as I see it, there is no end in sight.  As kids get older they just eat more, snack more, drink more juice, cause more stress, which leads to more chocolate and more chips and more 9pm dinners in front of the TV.  I'm in the thick toddler weight right now, but, as the internet community as my witness, I will beat it!  I don't know how, but I will.  Right after I finish this bag of ketchup chips.